


But the heartless wind kept blowing

by kilala2tail



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Robbery, Shooting, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-03-18 04:12:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13674033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kilala2tail/pseuds/kilala2tail
Summary: In which a robbery goes wrong, a chosen family pulls together, and Jared Kleinman does his best to keep standing through the storm.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lolwhat (JkWriter)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it's not delivery at the door, and Jared regrets.

Jared was at peace with how things had turned out. It had been a bumpy road, a plain scary one at times, but he thought it was worth it in the end. To think, it had only started around senior year of high school. It was the summer before it, the actions of two boys leading into it, the results of a collection of mistakes, and the collective will of five wildly different teenagers colliding. Evan’s incident with the tree at work ( _it wasn't an accident_ ), and Connor's brush with a bottle of pills at the same park ( _he always wondered how they found him in time_ ). It was the letter, the emails, the lies.

It was almost losing them both a second time, internal conflict reaching a climax almost unexpectedly. Truth started to bubble to the surface, and no one was prepared to handle it. Evan withdrew, Connor started to fall back on old coping habits, and the rest of them were unsure how to proceed. It had felt like the end of something as things fell apart around them, as the two at the core slowly spiraled into an abyss he feared they may not make it out of.

It took another pill bottle to bring things back into focus. Jared hated that they let it get so far, and swore that day at the hospital he would do anything to keep it from reaching that stage again.

He was so glad they were able to find a semblance of normal once more, to prove things weren't as shattered as everyone had feared. It took a while, picking the broken pieces off the ground and trying to place them back together, but they managed somehow. There were talks, between everyone.

Jared got his best friend back, finally hashing things out like they should have from the beginning. They talked, about drifting apart, about Jared’s asshole tendencies, about Evan's loneliness. About why it took the blond laying in a hospital bed to get them to open up.

He got a true friend in the form of Connor as the boy was finally, _finally_ given the help he had needed for so long a time. It took five teens, another suicide attempt, and several long talks, but eventually the Murphy parents finally began to understand what their son had been saying all along. Jared was delighted to find he and Connor were rather similar under all the facades, and he found it hilarious how much of a nerd the curly haired boy was under his punk aesthetic.

Connor and Evan spoke. They never shared what they discussed, but after Connor walked out of the room with tears running down his face and Evan smiled for the first time in weeks, no one could bring themselves to push.

Zoe and Alana, who had drifted around the three boys as if unsure of their place in the, sat down with the three and just listened, finally gaining understanding as to what had happened. They were hesitant, scared of hurting the fragile boys anymore than they already had, and of being hurt again by the ones who had activated a terrible chain of events. But he was happy to witness as the girls slowly grew closer, and the group of hodge-podge misfits slowly morphed into something much more special.

He was so happy as time marched forward. When they left high school behind them, when Connor and Evan moved into an apartment near the school Evan had gotten a partial scholarship for, when Connor started a job he really seemed to enjoy alongside taking classes. Jared was overjoyed to witness them both come into their own, and to be allowed to be part of the process. He was there to see the first careful steps crossing from “friends” to “more” that lead to a relationship that Jared truly believed would last a lifetime.

* * *

He didn't expect everything to end so suddenly.

* * *

The day had been a normal one, up until that point. Jared went over to hang out with Evan while Connor was spending the day with his sister. He stopped by his favorite place specialising in cookies, known for being open super late and making some of the best treats in the area. He made sure to select a second box to send with Connor, knowing both Murphy kids had more of a sweet tooth than either would ever admit. The minuscule smile he received as the taller male passed him on his way through the door warmed him slightly, making the splurge worth it.

They didn't have anything planned for the day, not really. Play some video games, maybe watch a movie after ordering lunch. Evan was considering getting a jump on a project due that semester, which Jared thought was ridiculously early. But he knew how his best friend got about procrastinating, and decided he wouldn't protest too much if it was pulled out sometime that day. It was the standard fair for them.

They had ordered Chinese. So when they heard someone pounding on the door, Jared had no qualms about going to answer it. He paused the movie they had started, stretching as he stood.

“The only reason you invite me over is so I'll answer the door when Connor is out, isn't it?” He called cheerfully over his shoulder as he made his way out of the living space they had set up camp in. He laughed at Evan's sputtering, not pausing in his trek for food.

They didn't know about the notice on armed robbers that had just been sent to the students of the nearby university. Or that nearby buildings had already been hit twice in the last two months.

Jared opened the door without thinking, hand reaching for his wallet for a delivery tip, and found himself with an arm around his shoulders and a gun pressed against his chest.

“Hey buddy! It's been so long! We were in the neighborhood, hope you don't mind that we decided to stop by,” a low voice said loudly into his ear. Brown eyes were blown wide with shock and fear as he looked at the couple, apprehension stealing his voice.

The two outside the door seemed normal enough, cheerfully talking at him as if they were friends. He took notice of the hats, the sunglasses, the medical masks that weren't so out of place during cold and flu season. A male and female, they seemed at a glance. Both into slightly taller than him. Neither looked particularly muscular, but then again neither did the boy in the other room until you got him shirtless. They couldn't have been much older than him and his friends, early to mid twenties. Jared hoped one of Evan's neighbors had seen them as all three crossed the threshold. The moment the door shut, they changed. A coldness fell upon them, and Jared’s throat closed up.

“Is there anyone else here?” The man asked, gun still pressed against Jared as if he may have forgotten it in the last few moments.

His breath hitched for a second, suddenly wishing for all the world that his friend had gone with his boyfriend for the day. But he nodded, unwilling to risk them finding Evan unprepared. He was surprised the other hadn't come to check on him yet, and he didn't want the chance of them turning the gun if he suddenly appeared.

“How many?” The woman spoke this time, her voice soft and pitched to what Jared supposed was meant to be a soothing time. It didn't work.

“O-one. It's just me and my friend today. H-his roommate should be out all day.” Jared's voice shook as he spoke, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

Slowly, they directed him back to the living space. Once there, he was shoved towards the couch. He watched as Evan began to turn to question him. Watched as the question died on the blond’s lips and fear filled his eyes. Jared saw the anxiety hit him like a train, and prayed that Evan was able to fight it long enough to get through this.

“No sudden movements, no loud noises, no struggling. Do that, and maybe all of us can get out of this happily. Got it?” The woman seemed to be taking charge, keeping her cloying tone as she addressed them.

Both boys nodded. With a nod, he was directed to stand near the other teen. The one holding the gun shifted his focus from Jared to Evan, making Jared's heart freeze. He hardly heard the next words, eyes trained on the weapon pointed at his childhood friend.

“Just tell us where any spare money is, and small valuables such as jewelry or portable gaming systems. That way we can grab what we came for and be on our way, okay? We don't want to hurt you boys,” she continued, a syrupy smile on her face.

He watched as Evan began to tremble, and wanted nothing more than to be able to do something to get these people out of what was meant to be a safe space. He saw green eyes flash around the room, heard a soft voice stuttering answers out as quickly as it could. Evan was about ready to collapse into an attack, but he was fighting it and Jared was so proud of him for it.

_It'll be okay. They're gonna grab what they want and then leave. Connor will be upset when he gets home, but it'll be alright._

For a moment, as the lady nodded and began her search in the places Evan mentioned, Jared could almost believe it. Connor would be beyond pissed when he got home and saw the place ransacked. Then he would switch to clingy and fretting, checking over Evan like he was made of glass and asking a million times if they were both alright. Dinner would likely be at Jared’s dorm room, where he was lucky enough to get a single. They would all crash watching some show on Netflix after making plans to try to piece the apartment back together the next day.

He could almost believe everything would be alright, once she finished grabbing whatever she wanted and the two of them left.

And then Jared's phone went off, the loud ringtone his little brother had chosen from himself filling the silent space.

“ _Ring ring ring ring banana phone!”_

All three people in the room startled.

There was a loud gunshot, shattering the world around them.

Evan _screamed._

Jared watched, almost as if his fear and adrenaline had slowed time, as Evan crumpled. His blood turned to ice, and he stopped breathing as he saw the boy hit the ground. The gunman, clearly shaken, dropped the weapon and started stammering.

“I… I didn't… I didn't mean to… I… Fuck. _Fuck_!”

He watched as the other robber rushed back into the room from where she had wandered off to dig around. He saw the way she did a sweep of the room before grabbing the other. A whispered conversation took place quickly and she yanked the man towards the door. He couldn't bring himself to do more than stare as they ran. A sob pulled him back into himself, and he rushed over to his fallen friend. With shaking hands, he grabbed a throw blanket from the couch and pressed it to the spreading blood on Evan’s abdomen.

“Evan! Evan, fuck. Oh. Okay, um. I’m. Nine one one. I'm going to call someone. You're. You're going to be okay, Evan, it'll be okay. Shit. Umm. Here. Help me put pressure on this. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Fuck. I'm calling now. Fuck.”

Jared pulled out his phone and, ignoring his missed call and while keeping one hand on Evan, dialed for help.

“Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?”

“M-my friend was. My friend was just shot. I… Fuck. I… Armed robbery. He's, he's bleeding heavily from around his stomach? Or is it higher? I can't. I don't…”

“Okay, sir, I'll dispatch someone to your location right away. What is the address?”

Brown eyes darted around the pale face below him as he talked to the dispatcher. Tears were falling from the corners of eyes squeezed tight in pain. The blond’s breathing was heavy, as if he wasn't able to pull in enough air. Jared kept on hand on the blanket, using his shoulder to hold his phone as he could reach up and brush some hair out of Evan’s face. Within a couple of minutes, he had given all the information he had and was informed someone should be there shortly, to keep pressure on the wound to try to slow blood flow. Hanging up, he dropped the phone and just talked to Evan. “I-it's okay, Ev. They've got someone on the way. They'll be be soon.”

Evan, who looked as if he had realized something terrible in the time that Jared was on the phone calling for help.

Evan, who was shaking so hard Jared was shaking too. His breathing seemed harsher, coming in little gasps as Jared pressed on the hole near his stomach. Jared bit his lip at this, teeth tearing into the skin as he tried to think. _Was there a chance of a collapsed lung??_

Green eyes met his brown, tears clouding them, and he noticed that Evan seemed resigned. The look scared Jared to his core.

“J-Jared… I… I need to call Connor. It's. It's important. I have to… Tell him one last time.”

Jared choked. He forced a smile. “T-tell him what, Ev? What do you mean? You can tell him later, after we get you patched up! Won't he be pissed when he gets home and you're all banged up. He'll probably try to blame it on me.”

“Jared.”

“That'll almost be funny, actually. H-he'll try to hide behind that uncaring mask of his, even though he knows we both know he's freaking out inside.”

“Jared...”

He started shaking his head. “Evan, you'll be fine. Y-you have to be. It'll be just fine. You can tell Connor whatever it is when he gets home from visiting Zoe.”

“Jared, please…”

When had his eyes started watering? “N-no. No! Don't. You _can't_ Evan. You can't! You can't think like that. You'll be okay. Y-you have to be! What'll…”

“ _Please_. I just. One last time.”

“I…”

Evan's voice was getting softer. _Where was the help he was promised??_ This. This couldn't be happening. Evan couldn't be...

He could see it. Something settled over Jared, telling him Evan was right. The boy only had one more chance to say what he needed to. Salty tears started to roll down his face as he watched his friend struggle to get words out, breathing little more than wheezing at this point. Evan was in so much pain, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

Slowly, dazed, Jared grabbed the other's phone from the coffee table and dialed Connor's number. He stared blankly at the phone for a moment, before he gently leaned over and pressed it to his best friend's ear. A sob racked his body at the smile he got in return as a soft hand took the place of his in holding the device.

Evan was hushed as he spoke. “Hey Connor. Having fun with Zoe? Yeah… Yeah… That's good. I'm glad.”

Jared couldn't do this. He stood up and walked backwards a few steps, blood covered hands rushing to muffle the sounds of his sobbing as he watched Evan talk softly to the oblivious boy on the other end of the call. He couldn't ruin this moment for Evan by having Connor hear him in the background. It was only a minute or two, but to Jared it felt like a lifetime.

“What's wrong…? Oh, I'm tired. It'll be okay, Connor. I just… Might take a nap soon. Yeah? Okay. Okay. I love you, Connor. More than you'll ever know. Goodbye.”

He rushed forward to grab Evan's hand as it fell. Sobs continued to over take him as he ( _finally_ ) heard what could only be paramedics and police storming into the apartment. Time seemed to speed up, a flurry of activity filling the small space. He almost missed Evan's next words as professionals began to rush forward.

“Thank you, Jared. You're my best friend, you know.”

Jared cried as the room filled. This was going to be the last time he spoke to his best friend, and he wasn't sure how to handle it.

“I love you, Evan Hansen. You're my best friend, too.”

He watched as people started checking over the injured boy. He saw it in the faces of the medics, what the teens had already realized. Watched as they tried to save him anyway, bustling around the room in an attempt to get him prepped for the ride to the ER.

Another medic and a cop gently pulled Jared out of the way, glancing him over quickly before moving him to the side out of the space the EMTs needed. There were questions to be answered, but a look at his face told them they might not be getting many answers right away. A shock blanket was softly placed around his shoulders, the medic gently pushing him into a seat as they began looking him over for any other signs of injury. The cop gently probed for some basic information as the EMT worked. Did he hear any names, what were they wearing, could he give any general descriptions. After a moment, the EMT cut in to ask for some medical information on himself and Evan.

Jared answered the best he could, tripping on his tongue as his eyes never left the scene before him. He took in the hustle of the police combing the apartment, and the EMTs trying to keep Evan breathing as they rushed out the door. As he watched, a thought hit him, filling him with horror once he registered the implications.

The medic and cop were both looking at him, watching for a response to the question he was just asked. Wide eyes stared back.

“Did you hear me, son? I asked if you knew any of his emergency contact numbers?”

_Connor was recently added as one of Evan's emergency contacts._

With shaking hands, he asked the cop if there was any way they could grab his phone so he could make a call. The pity on their face made him feel ill, and he had a gut feeling he wasn't technically supposed to be calling anyone right now, but they got what he asked for and handed it to him with no issue.

Jared wanted to wake up from whatever nightmare he was currently in as he once again dialed the familiar number. He wanted to cry when an almost cheerful voice came through the phone only moments after it had started to ring. He almost vomited when that voice quickly grew concerned at both his lack of response and the clatter of the background.

“Connor..? Y-you're still with Zoe, r-right? I… I have something to tell you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now lately I would have asked [Kyu](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightning515/pseuds/Lightning515) to beta, but my girl is out there being an adult and rocking the world. So after she gave it a quick glance, I've decided to wing it.
> 
> So, J, how's this for ya? Get those tears flowing like you requested?  
> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the only words Jared Kleinman remembers are "I'm sorry."

There was a lot that happened after the police had arrived that Jared could hardly remember over the course of the night.

Like what he said to Connor, with only his promise to let the boy know which hospital to head towards as soon as he found out sticking in his memory as he was forced to hang up the phone in order to try to be of anymore help to the ongoing situation. Jared wasn't certain what he told the officers and paramedics as they rushed around him, only keeping a tight grip on his cell phone as the chaos around him called for attention he couldn't fully give.

He wasn't sure how he got to the hospital himself, only realizing he was there when an officer stated that they would be in touch for more questioning soon before leaving him to sit alone in the ER waiting space. A glance at his phone showed texts he couldn't recall sending, along with several new messages waiting to be read in response. Shaking hands shoved the device into a pocket when he saw that, too tired and scared to be able to process the words on the screen.

Jared didn't remember how long he sat by himself, shivering even though he was wrapped tightly in the blanket that had somehow stayed with him the course of the trip. He didn't recall washing the blood, _Evan's blood_ , off of his hands, hardly registering it was gone as he stared blankly at them. He knew a kind nurse or someone had offered him a drink, but he wasn't certain what it was that was sitting on the nearby table, be it coffee or water or something else entirely. He tried to take a drink, but his hands shook so bad the liquid was splashing out before it even got to his mouth, so he put it down and turned away.

There were a few passing thoughts, though they didn’t stick around long enough for Jared to really consider. Had he tried reaching his parents? Did they know what was happening? Heidi had to know what was happening by now, right? What would happen with school? Would Connor try to stay at the apartment by himself? Questions he couldn’t focus on ran rapidly through his mind as the sounds of a typical night in the emergency room kept him from being left in a void of silence.

The parts he remembered clearly he wished he didn't.

Such as Connor's face as he came flying into the waiting room, Zoe not far behind. The broken expression the brunet wore shattered ever further upon seeing him sitting there trembling. He watched as the taller male stumbled over and collapsed in the seat next to him before he was engulfed in the tightest embrace he had ever received. Jared automatically reacted by hugging back, not thinking about the action as Connor shook in his arms and he felt Zoe on his other side reach out to them both. Tears fell noiselessly as the two held onto him.

There was a phone call with Heidi, who was at work at another hospital over an hour away. She begged that he tell her Evan was alright, that the call she had gotten made things sound worse than they were, that things weren't as bad as he knew she knew they were. She wanted reassurance and he wanted so badly to give it her, but Jared wasn't about to lie to her. He knew he would hear her pain in his dreams when all he could say was “I'm sorry” over and over with a cracking voice, the only phrase he found himself able to utter since the Murphys had came in. Her screams through the phone joining the cries of the siblings sitting on either side of him cut deep as a knife.

The look on the nurse's face when someone finally arrived to give them an update would forever haunt his nightmares. As would the sound of Connor Murphy breaking into pieces Jared wasn’t sure he would be able to put back together.

He couldn’t lose them both. Surely no god would be that cruel, to yank both his best friends away from him in one go. He wasn’t strong enough, he just wasn’t. Jared held on tight to the other male, hoping to keep the broken parts from hitting the ground. 

* * *

Jared didn’t really remember anything else that had happened after the nurse came out. He knew at some point Heidi arrived, and that she was pulled aside the moment she was identified to speak with the doctors who had done everything they could to save her son. He knew Zoe didn’t stray far from where he sat wrapped around Connor, sans to hold Heidi as she broke down. But he didn’t remember being escorted out the doors, Connor still clinging to him. He didn’t remember getting into Heidi’s car, or arriving at her house, or falling asleep on the couch as numbness took over, subconsciously keeping the grip he held on Connor as the teen cried himself to exhaustion.

As he came to in the morning, Jared stared at the ceiling blankly, unable to bring himself to try to get up. He didn’t move as he heard Heidi slowly moving through the kitchen, or as Zoe’s voice softly reached his ears. His eyes slid shut as he listened to careful footsteps come towards the living room, not reacting past tightening his hold on Connor ever so slightly as a hand brushed over his cheek gently as if making sure he was still there. Conner remained curled up tight as Jared felt the hand shift to the other's hair, brushing through the soft strands and tickling his face with the ends where he was pressed into Connor.

As whomever had checked on them walked back to the kitchen, Jared felt Connor shift. Opening his eyes again, he tilted his head to have a clear view of the boy he was sharing the couch with. Connor’s eye were cracked open, staring at nothing with a glossy look. He could feel nails digging into his back, a sting sharp drawing his attention where he shirt had ridden up over the course of the night and Connor was gripping the bottom of it. For a moment, they were silent.

And then the moment ended. A soft, hoarse voice whispered “It wasn't a bad dream, was it?” All Jared could force out was a numb “I'm sorry,” his own voice refusing to corporate. Tears pooled in Connor's sky blue eyes before, with a whine, he turned to bury his face in Jared’s shirt. Jared listened as the boy in his arms gasped as if air wouldn't come, both of them shaking from the force of Connor’s cries. Noise in the kitchen halted, the world stopping for a moment as Jared slowly sat the both of them up and started rocking side to side, never allowing his grasp loosen. He didn't cry, didn't make a sound, just held on tight to Connor as the pain from the night before came crashing down hard.

He didn't know how long they sat there, Connor sobbing while Heidi and Zoe kept their distance, but eventually the tears slowed and the haggard mother and restless teen walked into the room carrying water for the two on the couch. Silence once again swallowed the space as they sat down and Connor pulled away, no one being sure where to begin. A glance at the clock told Jared it was only around seven thirty, much too early considering the time they had arrived back from the hospital. But it was clear no one was going to get anymore rest for now. Soon enough, someone would be knocking on the door.

They had to talk about this, he knew they did, but there was really only one thing he could think to say. Taking a drink of water, Jared softly cleared his throat and once again whispered the only words he seemed to know right now.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

That seemed to break the rest out of the trance they seemed to have fallen into. Heidi rushed to say it wasn't his fault, that he did what he could, that the police would do everything they could to catch the ones truly responsible, that she didn't blame him. She started mothering him the way she always had, practically an extension of his own mom. A blanket was tucked around him, his hair pushed back as a kiss was placed on his forehead and a cool hand cupped his cheek. Zoe, tears in her eyes, called him a moron and asked what he thought he had to be sorry for. She stood, worrying at a cloth in her hands, before declaring they needed to eat to prepare for the day and rushing back towards the kitchen. Noises could be heard as she started to rifle through things, her voice calling out that his was stupid if he honestly thought he was to blame and laying on reassurances that she would be there to help the whole way. He thought he heard her turn on the kettle, the click seeming to echo in his head. Connor didn't say a word, just held tightly to Jared’s hand as he sipped from his own glass and stared at the coffee table, seemingly spacing out now that he had cried himself out again.

He knew they were trying to sooth him, but Jared hardly heard a word that was said as he nodded along. He knew it was his fault, and nothing anyone said would change that fact. He was the one who didn't check before opening the door, he had allowed the gunman to switch targets. It was his phone that startled the man into pulling the trigger.

Evan Hansen was dead, and Jared may as well have been the one to kill him.

While he knew this talk was far from over, Jared himself started to disconnect from what what happening, and the rest of the morning passed in a blur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My weeb self wanted this done in March ending in another death and a very unstable boy. Instead, here I am in June with more than the original plan ever entailed in mind and no one else dying. Welp.
> 
> In other news, I passed on what was probably my only shot at seeing Alex Boniello as Connor in exchange for not having a mental breakdown 10+ hours away (Colombian family, introverted white girl, clashing interests, a week in a small space; it gets weird after a weekend, wasn't testing that) so. Like. Self care and all that jazz, right?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jared has an interview.

If Jared could find it in himself to care, he thinks he would be worried about his newfound memory issues. His inability to keep full track of events over the last day was leaving too many blank spots in his mind, and he recognized it was probably something to be concerned over. A powerful feeling of apathy had settled over him though, leaving him unable to put much thought into trying to fix it. As a result, he found himself staring blankly at the table trying to figure out how he had ended up in this position, with a cup a tea sitting in front of him and an officer in the chair across from his. Jared had been sitting on the couch with Connor and Heidi, and there had been a knock on the door… A tiny flicker of fear made him pause, suddenly acutely aware that Connor wasn't in the room, and neither were Heidi or Zoe. He lifted his head to face the officer, questions clogging his throat as he attempted to piece together what was going on.

Some of them must have shown on his face since she smiled at him, small and gentle. “It's alright son, you've been pretty out of it. Your name is Jared Kleinman, correct? While we'll need you to come to the station at some point to give an official statement, we realize you may need a little time. I'm Officer Leslie Alexander. My partner and I stopped to see if you would feel up to talking. The sooner we get the information, the better the chance we have at catching the ones responsible for this. Your… ‘Aunt' suggested giving us some space, leading us in here. I believe she's on the phone with your parents now. Your friend had already prepared the tea, took some out to her brother. They're safe, I promise. My partner is with them right across the hallway in the living room, and they won't let anything happen.”

Jared let out a small sigh at that. He didn't know this person, but something about the way she spoke was… Soothing, if he were to put a word to it. Connor was safe, he had Zoe and Heidi with him. There were two cops in the house. They were okay. With that thought, he took a moment to observe the person across from him. She kept her gentle smile as he sat quiet, wavy black hair pulled half up out of her face while the rest brushed her shoulders, warm brown eyes soft in calm understanding.

He sighed again, closing his eyes briefly before taking a swallow of his drink and focusing on the table. Jared knew she was there to help, and that he had to talk through everything that happened. The sooner he started, the sooner they could get working. There was so much to do, he couldn't be the reason things didn't move forward. Not when he was the reason they were in this situation to start. He was unsure where to begin though, and somehow managed to say as much with his still hoarse voice.

“That's alright, Jared. You've been through a lot the past day. We're here to help you. We want to catch the people who did this, to make sure they can't hurt anyone else and they don't get away with this. Why don't we start with your day. You and Evan were just hanging out, is that right?”

Hearing Evan's name felt like a stab. Jared flinched, inhaling a sharp gasp as hands tightened around his cup. He knew, of course, that Evan was going to be brought up. They were only here because of what happened to him. But he hadn't expected the pain that came with it, cutting through the apathy. Suddenly, this task seemed a form of punishment. He let his best friend, the boy he had been raised from birth with, die. Now he had to face the consequences.

It took a few moments before he was able to respond. Jared focused on his breathing, listening as some sounds drifted in from the room over. Heidi and an unfamiliar person could be heard going back and forth, Zoe throwing in a comment once or twice. The voices were grounding, allowing him something to give his attention while he calmed himself. When asked if he was alright, Jared gave a nod, holding up a finger to signal he just needed to gather his thoughts. In a few minutes, he felt his heart rate slow as he did his best to avoid thinking too hard of the imagine of a broken, bleeding boy laying on the ground and instead concentrated on his memories of what the robbers were like. That was what Leslie needed to know, that was what Jared was going to put his effort into remembering.

Slowly, painfully, he walked Leslie through the events from the afternoon before. He watched as she took notes, only interrupting when she needed him to go into more detail. Jared didn't know how long they sat there, him talking and her writing, but to his skewed perception of time it felt like hours. He told her how they were just planning on playing games, relaxing and talking and enjoying some time together. How he didn't think to check the door, since they had been expecting food. He talked about how scared he was when his phone, and subsequently the gun, shattered the tense atmosphere. Jared squeezed his eyes shut as he talked about calling the police, and listening to Evan say goodbye to Connor. He spoke in monotone, providing as much information as he could about the two who had so quickly destroyed several lives. Eventually, though, his voice ran out and with a small huff of air the officer closed her notepad.

“Thank you, Jared. I know that wasn't easy for you, and I am so sorry that you've been through something so traumatic. This was very informative. Within the next few days I'll need you to come down to the station to repeat this story for me, but I promise I'm going to do everything I can in the meantime. We won't let them get away with this, I swear to you. We're going to catch them.” Leslie stood, Jared numbly following suit. She walked around the table and squeezed his shoulder, and he let her gently lead him into the living room.

Sitting on the couch, Connor was sandwiched between Zoe and Heidi. In the armchair was another officer, quietly speaking to Heidi as the siblings seemed to be lost in their own heads. Seeing them sitting there drained Jared of any tension he had after being in the kitchen so long. He felt an empty sort of relief; logically he knew nothing could have happened but the memory of Connor’s actions made it difficult to let him out of sight with the wounds still so fresh. His sister had her head on his shoulder, long golden brown curls falling in her face as she held one of his hands in both of hers and they both looked at nothing in particular. The dark haired woman stopped in the doorway for a moment before she softly cleared her throat and all four turned to look at her and Jared.

“Jared, this is Officer Finnian Alvey. They're my partner and will be helping me over the course of the investigation.” The person Leslie was speaking of was blond, their bright blue eyes kind as they stood. After pausing to help Heidi up, they made their way over to Jared with their hand out to shake.

“Hello Jared. You can call me Finny. As I'm sure Leslie has already explained, we're to be the lead investigators on this case. I have no doubt this has been hard for you, but we are doing everything we can to put a swift end to this,” Finnian said as they shook his hand, their voice soft but determined. Jared nodded, uncertain and unable to say anything in response. While he could understand the officers meant to reassure him by insisting they would do all they could to catch the people responsible, their words rang hollow in his ears. It wouldn't end with the criminals being caught. Jared wasn't sure this nightmare he found himself in would ever actually end. But he couldn't say that aloud, so he stayed silent.

Heidi reached out from her spot next to the blond to pull him to her side for a tight hug, muttering something about his mom and dad being on the way before pushing him towards her now vacant spot on the couch and turning lead the two back toward the kitchen to speak. He glanced over his shoulder at the adults moving away before looking towards the Murphy siblings. They were both watching him with tired, red rimmed eyes as they quietly waited for him to join them. Jared sat without a word and, leaning into Connor, closed his eyes once more to let the whispers of the adults and the presence of his friends wash over him as exhaustion weighed on him. As he felt the warmth of the people next to him and listened to the house settle, he tried to imagine a world in which things might be okay again someday as he slowly drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the amount of crime shows I watch you would think I could write someone talking to an officer about an incident. You would be wrong.
> 
> I have regrets.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Red like roses fills my dreams and brings me to the place you rest._

_Laughter, cheerful and bright._

 

_Evan, smiling._

 

_Peace._

 

_Knocking, then fear._

 

_A loud bang._

 

_A gunshot?_

 

_Red._

 

_Red red red red---_

 

_A whispery gasp._

 

_Evan, broken and dying._

 

_Red red red red---_

 

_Sirens, echoing._

 

_Evan, taken from sight._

 

_Connor’s choking sobs._

 

_“I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry---”_

 

_A tired nurse, face saddened._

 

_Heidi’s painful screams._

 

_“I'm so sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry---”_

 

_A sharp pain, making it hard to breathe._

 

_Was he breathing?_

 

_Evan was gone._

 

_Did he deserve to breathe?_

 

_It hurt._

_  
_ _It hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt---_

 

_Bright rose petals slipped between his fingers, one by one._

 

_Falling like liquid._

 

_Drip._

 

_Drip._

 

_Drip._

_  
_ _Did he deserve to breathe?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay look.  
> Look.  
> I have no explanation for this.
> 
> In other news, I was brought back some [Playbills](https://www.instagram.com/p/Bkn7W6uBUjp/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=nlu3srjtgqfi) (and a hat) so.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know your thoughts, yeah? Hit me up if you wanna talk, links on the [profile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kilala2tail/profile). And remember to keep healthy and hydrated my dears. Until next time, good luck and happy reading.
> 
>  
> 
> _"And now you're gone, and I was wrong. I never knew what it was like. To be alone... On a[Valentine's Day](https://youtu.be/KAFOpywZbMM)!"_


End file.
